Carreanne's World

Right now I am so nervous....Tonight I get on the bus and go to MO and arrive there Monday morning. It is going to be weird...knowing that I don't like being around a lot of people that I don't know. I am hoping to get some rest on the bus along with some last minute studding...although that is highly unlikely. I have been missing my family sooooo much, even though I have been calling them everyday. I have been downstate since very early Thursday and have been mostly resting since I will have a long bus trip and class as soon as I get there. I guess I am thinking that if I rest up now I won't be as tired when I get there, I know that is a lot to ask. So after tonight I won't have access to a computer for at least six weeks. I just want everyone to know that I am doing well.
As everyone should know by now I am not a big talker so I will say good-bye for now.
Carreanne

Well it is official, I will be starting my classes on Monday the fifth. I am going to be leaving home on Wednesday evening to go downstate and then I will be leaving for MO on either Saturday or Sunday. This is a huge step for me but one that needs to be taken. I will miss my family sooooooo much while I am gone (I could be gone for as long as six weeks). That is going to be the hardest part for me, being away from my family. The rest will be easy because I am stubborn enough to make it through all of the training.

Well that is all I am going to write for now. If I don't post for a while it is because I am trying to spend as much time as possible with my family before I go.

Carreanne

It is stupid but fun.......

Well I have all of my info faxed where it needs to be faxed and I still haven't found out when I am supposed to go to Truck Driving School. I hope that I get an answer soon. I am so nervous that at the last minute they will say that they don't want me. That is scary because I am unemployed and at this point am getting very little in the way of any income (unemployment). I hate not working and feeling as though I am not contributing to my family.....I mean I could be making more..right? If I get in to this school soon I will be able to make more every week than I have in the last 5 1/2 years....and that starts only three weeks after I start school. 

On another note Tori has gotten a job and that is great!!!! Not having a job has been killing Tori as well as myself....If only the economy was better here I wouldn't have to have a job that requires me to be away from my family a lot of the time....Don't get me wrong I think this will be a wonderful experience but my youngest is only 4 and I am afraid that I am going to miss soooooo much. I will miss everyone when I am on the road....The feel of my wife's hugs, the soft kisses on my neck, the snuggling and yes even all of the obsessing over the clothes and make-up.
My children are going to be hard to be away from....I will end up missing their fighting (to a point lol) the way they laugh and smile at the little things (even if they really don't seem funny) and the way every one of them makes me feel needed in their own little way.
Well you are probably sick of hearing me go on and on so bye for now.

Well I have finally gotten everything in for my new carer......Truck driving! Yep that is right I am going to drive big rigs. I am a mix of emotions right now.....I am happy because I will be able to better my family's life; I am excited, nervous, and anxious to start a job and this is definitely different than anything else I have ever done; I am also sad because I will be away from my family for long periods of time.
Other than that I am happy because I will get to start soon and start to get our family life more stable.

Carreanne

I have three children, one I gave birth to and two stepchildren that I love as if they were my own. You would think that their mom would love them more if not as much as I do....but sometimes I wonder. Like last night, she called after the girls had been trying to reach her for two days, with no response. She said that she was disconnecting her number and for Tori to fuck off. She had deleted the many voice-mails that the girls had left without even checking them to see if they were from Tori or the girls. She seems to think that just because it was our number that Tori had to be the one calling....the thing is though Tori doesn't call her ex unless it involves the girls. She said that she didn't care that the messages were from the girls the calls had come from this number and she doesn't want Tori to know her phone number. Tori has no clue nor does she care what her ex's phone number is, except for when it comes to the girls. We have always told them that if they want to call their mom they can and have never prohibited them from doing so. It pisses me off that Tori's ex the mother of these beautiful intelligent and wonderful girls could say that she doesn't care who called and upset them the way she did...I mean they cried themselves to sleep. They were so hurt to know that their mom had not even listened to their messages and just deleted them. I don't care if she is their mother, she should not treat them that way. Not only is it mean it was totally unjustified.

I hope that Tori's ex will stop acting like a child and start acting like an adult who cares about her children's feelings and understand that what she did was deplorable.

Thank you for letting me vent
Carre

Hey everyone,
Sorry I haven't written in a while life has gotten really busy. Just wanted to let everyone know that the show will be on Aug. 15 at 10pm. I will try to write more later.

Carreanne

I am so lucky to have people in my life who care about me!!! Anyways...Today I got to concentrate on my wedding day, June 3, I got to go shopping for shoes, jewlery, and also a handbag. I had fun even though I normally don't like shopping, maybe that had something to do with sabby. Sabby took me shopping and that helped to make it more enjoyable. I also have started to feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me since that letter I received from James...I don't feel hurt except by the words about my dad and the pure rejection, not so much by the rejection anymore. I am sooo glad that I can now live life without feeling guilty about almost everything, because that is how I used to be, just ask Tori. I already feel stronger and happier, does that sound strange? Well that doesn't really matter because that is how I feel. I am in love and have wonderful children and I am not about to let anyone try to make that seem either bad or wrong! Well that is enough of my rambles for now.
Carre

This is the letter I wrote to my aunt Colleen and the reply her son, my cousin, James sent to me.

Carreanne wrote:
Colleen,
I am giving you my e-mail, phone #, and home address one last time. I know that I have given this information to you before, but you still don't e-mail, call or write. This makes me feel as though you don't want me in your life, if that is the case then I will understand and would prefer to know instead of having hope that I am not truly abandoned by you. So in a
sense the "ball" is now in your court. In my opinion no one is that "busy", at least not unless you are trying to either avoid or ignore someone.The only reason I have not been more in contact with you is because I was the only one doing the contacting, that is too one-sided and should be more two-sided in my opinion. For all I know my opinions might not matter in the least to you, but at least I try. Sometime in August or September my transgendered partner and I will be on T.V., the Women's Entertainment channel the show is called Secret Lives of women. My partner was born a man and is transitioning into a woman, we are also going to be married at the beginning of June. At the end of this letter I will send some links for you to look at if you wish about transgenderism, it is a very real medical condition called Gender Identity Disphoria, GID, that people everywhere live and suffer with everyday. If you wish to know the air date of the show let me know and I will tell you as soon as I know.

Again it really hurts me to feel abandoned by you and everyone else, I have tried to stay in contact but no one there held up their end of the relationship and I will no longer feel like the only one in the relationship. If you have a problem then that is your problem not mine and I refuse to feel this pain that I have been feeling for sometime, example...remember when I told you that I was pregnant, you said "Now you are going to become a brooding mare", that hurt me greatly and did not help with the depression I went through during my pregnancy. Throughout my life all I have wanted from you has been your love and acceptance, if that is too much to ask for then I will just drop it and stop bothering you and then you can pretend that I never existed just as Bethany has chosen to do.

Please just let me know one way or the other. If you don't respond I will take the hint and leave you alone.

Much love to you and best wishes,
Carreanne

Links for you: www.transgenderedhealth.com
<http://www.transgenderedhealth.com/>
www.mattkailey.com <http://www.mattkailey.com/>
www.transgenderedmichigan.com
<http://www.transgenderedmichigan.com/>
www.eringurl.com <http://www.eringurl.com/>

or you can just google "transgendered" or "Gender Identity Disorder"


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Dear Carreanne,
I am speaking for myself this is James and not my mother. Anyways, how can you say that my mother has caused you pain and depression. You are really a piece of work.....you wanna know why I haven't spoke to you is the way that you used and manipulated my family, my grandmother, my mother, my sister, and my dad. Your father, God rest his soul, would have kicked your ass by now for the hurt that you and your fucked up brother have caused my family. For this I wish you would leave all of us alone including my mothers best friend and daughters. They are way out of your league. My family has done everything imaginable for you and your brother and you both have done nothing but take a knife and stab us in the back. Listen you want sympathy from me or the rest of us you are pissing up the wrong family branch. Stop calling stop contacting my mothers friends and their family because you have manipulated and used them too. I tried to help you stay on the right track but you ended up being white trash. I should come up to Michigan and kick your ass but I'm not because you are a lost cause. I am glad life is doing its work on you because you deserve it. Also, when you get on t.v. with your fagot friend I hope they all laugh at you and that you feel really humiliated and hurt cause that's what you deserve for playing my family and hurting them with your manipulative ways. You got what coming to you so leave us alone. Got it or I will be forced to take legal action against you and your family. LEAVE US ALONE.

Sincerely James

This is new for me and strange at the same time. Normally when I write in a journal it is private, but now everyone can see what I write. Well to start....I am with the most beautiful person on the planet..Her name is Tori Lynn. She is not only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside too. Anyways...we have three children and are going to be getting married. I have no idea what else to write at this point...so I will leave it at this for now. I hope this is a fun and wonderful experience. Bye for now....

Carreanne